How is this supposed to feel?

January 4, 2014 § Leave a comment

“Your life is passing like a hand waving from the back of a train and every choice determines whether you are on the right track. It all matters. How do you keep your nails filed and you eyebrows plucked when your secret hope is to have dirt under your fingernails and the strings of your heart plucked into a symphony that might make stars move?”

How is this supposed to feel? I try to aim for accuracy in emotions, so let’s go with the newly adopted staccato rhythm of my heart for excitement, blended with the shivers down my back slight nauseous terror. Diagnosis: I’m getting hitched (lucky if that thought even danced in your mind for a bit), or I’m getting to collide with one of those moments where God’s blurry plans for your future are brought into a slight sharp focus.

Today I got accepted into a missions program, and though it does nothing to help my nerves, people keep telling me how intense the Global Urban Trek is. I’m often an idealist, so I want to reveal how fearless I am instead of admitting that my pride is not adoring all the insecurity and fear that is currently surfacing. Is it equally as senseless as it is necessary to be afraid of the ambitions closest to your heart? Here I am selfishly dwelling on the daunting thought of my last semester of college quickly approaching, while simultaneously still trying to figure out why it is so hard to sacrifice things and experiences that have no eternal value. Why is it that I’m willing to wait for myself to be ready for this opportunity one day in the (far far far far-will I even live this long) future, but I can never be patient with God when He needs me to trust Him?

I’ve come to the realization that my life will not solely change by this experience. Life changed the moment I considered missions because I began to release the firm grip on my self-created illusion of control to God. Likewise, people’s lives aren’t always changed by kind acts and good conversations, their lives are changed when they consider what reason initially precipitated the change in your heart to pursue them. I apologize for how incoherent this rant must be, but one day I will need to look back on some of these words in retrospect and realize that at their root, they were all excuses. Nothing is too great for my God.


Happy belated Anniversary Urbana. Thank you Lord for the broken year that made space in my heart for Your will, and for Your usual relentless pursuit of our distant hearts.

He who began a good work in you will carry it on to completion until the day of Christ Jesus. -Philippians 1:6


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